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PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2022 4:12 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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The way Remus’ hands moved made Sirius’ breath catch in his throat, unsure how much was desire and how much was dread.
He knew that he wanted Remus, was absolutely desperate for him, but the idea that that would actually lead to sex was almost too much for him, unable to properly wrap his head around it. It probably didn’t help that his head was still swimming with the remainder of the wine, making him uncertain of him much of his feeling woozy was Remus and how much was wine.
“I-“ he started up, once again left in a situation where he was supposed to voice desires that he didn’t even properly know the shape of, much less having a proper concept of how to put it into words.
“I like this,” he managed, once again feeling the heat rise to his cheeks, making the words catch in his throat and almost feeling too shy to properly look at Remus, who seemed so terrible genuine that Sirius didn’t want to let him down and be unable to share his desires.
“But I can’t-“ he cut himself off again, Remus’ hands on the waistband of his trousers feeling heavy in a way where Sirius had a hard time distinguishing whether it was desire or fear.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2022 4:57 pm 

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Remus did what he could to commit Sirius’ answer to memory, struck by the difference between the perceived intent of Sirius’ touches and the hesitancy in his reply. The given phrasings and reactions felt significant in their shyness, every interrupted sentence feeling like they carried a thousand implications that Sirius couldn’t seem to commit to say.
There was no disappointment visible in Remus’ expression; if anything, Remus looked at Sirius with a sense of intrigue, a grin pulling at his lips.
“You can have this,” he assured boyishly, charmed by the way speaking up seemed to fluster Sirius to this degree. When he had asked what Sirius wanted, this was certainly an option.
With a deliberate ease, Remus removed his hands from Sirius’ fly, leisurely following the waistband to settle at the small of his back. Remus once again tugged Sirius closer and a little up, inviting him to stretch just as Remus himself leaned in to once again kiss Sirius, his interest not diluted by the boundary Sirius had set between them.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2022 1:04 am 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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It seemed far too easy when Remus pulled him back in to kiss him, the touches casual and deliberate, clearly with the express intent of not accidentally making him uncomfortable. It made his head spin further, unable to properly wrap his head around the kindness that Remus was showing him and just how badly he wanted to be able to give him more, but also far too aware of the things that were stopping him to even want to attempt, not tonight at least.
Especially not when felt so easy to kiss Remus back, regaining his tight hold around his shoulders as he just allowed himself to enjoy the moment, soaking in the moment and just letting himself get carried along. It almost felt a little embarrassing to Sirius, knowing just how much Remus had him wrapped around his little fingers and how he probably would have just slept with him had he not asked for permission.
It made him feel safer in Remus’ company, unsure what exactly that meant to him, but he liked that he could get to kiss and embrace Remus and that that didn’t mean anything other than just that.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2022 8:09 am 

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No longer feeling like they were kissing with an intent to get to something, everything suddenly felt a little more indulgent. It carried with it a sense of intimacy that Remus didn’t read much into, having before found himself in situations with people who craved that kind of touch and little else. Remus would never hold it against Sirius, but it was a little juvenile and sweet in a way that made Remus smile into the kiss, happy to be able to be here for Sirius in a way that felt right to him.
Ducking his head slightly to the side, Remus peppered a few deliberate kisses to Sirius’ cheek and jaw, superficial in a way that didn’t ask for more.
“Here,” he urged, his hands taking a true hold of Sirius’ hips to push him backwards.
Glancing over Sirius’ shoulder, Remus steadied himself in the dark room. Having stalled by the front door, either of their two beds would have made for a more comfortable option. Still, Sirius’ rejection fresh in his mind, it was towards his own desk that Remus led Sirius. The chair tucked away beneath it where he had left it this morning, Remus urged Sirius up on the desk a little off center, hands briefly curled around Sirius’ outer thighs to help brace his weight.
Letting go of Sirius, Remus’ hands found the tabletop a little behind Sirius’ hips. It offered a steady surface as he leaned forward, a smile pulling at his lips. Though different from Remus might have expected, he was entertained by this dynamic, too.
“Alright?”


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2022 1:23 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Sirius didn’t even get a moment to think, he just blindly followed Remus backwards, not realising where they were going before the back of his thighs hit the table and he was urged up on it. Trusting Remus fully, having found no reason not to, Sirius simply sat up on the table, his knees parted to make room for Remus between his legs.
It felt overwhelming and made Sirius a little dizzy, but he felt so certain that Remus knew exactly what this was that any lingering dread that he might have felt had dissipated by now.
“Alright,” he managed with a soft smile, feeling touched with the way that Remus still felt the need to check in with him, which helped to make Sirius feel even more at ease, his arms now more loosely looped around Remus’ shoulders.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2022 3:20 pm 

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Whether or not Sirius trusted him with it, Remus had heard and understood, the chance of posture never intending to be anything but easier. Even when Remus’ left hand found Sirius’ knee, it was nothing but a returned affection, leaning into Sirius’ touch.
“Comfortable?” Remus couldn’t help but press, though the grin had softened the air between them, allowing for greater slack to joke around in. It was the same question again, disguised in a tease that could encompass both Sirius’ physical and psychological comfort.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2022 12:03 am 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Even with Remus asking so blatantly, clearly deeply interested in Sirius’ well-being, it still felt almost embarrassing to talk about out loud. Most of his other experiences had been quick and quiet affairs, so Sirius still couldn’t wrap his head around actually voicing his desires, though he really wanted to at least attempt it, if only because Remus seemed so keen to hear it from him.
“Almost,” he said, as his hands left Remus to instead go to his own hair, the neat bun he had made before leaving the dorm still tight on the back of his head now starting to get uncomfortable. With practiced ease he let it out, causing the long black strands to fall down his back as he placed the hair tie around his wrist, smiling sheepishly at Remus as he did.
“Now I am.”

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2022 3:46 pm 

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In the interest of not getting knocked by a stray elbow, Remus straightened his posture, both hands falling idle on Sirius’ knees as the other reached behind him. It left Sirius perfectly in view, fair skin illuminated against the darkness of the window behind him.
While Remus had seen it before, in the late hours of the night when Sirius dressed for bed, there was still such novelty in getting to see Sirius’ let down his hair. Catching the sparse lights in the courtyard, Sirius really was breathtaking, making the juvenile smile falter.
“Good,” Remus replied, his voice small.
Bracing his weight against Sirius’ knees, he leaned into his proximity. Sirius’ words and actions were almost a caricature of seduction; Remus was, quite tragically, perfectly aware of the fact that it worked.
“You’re very handsome,” he felt compelled to share, his tone matter-of-factly, although not enough to keep a pleased little grin from reappearing, pulling at the corner of his mouth, charmed.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 2:15 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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It took everything in Sirius to not giggle at the compliment, knowing that it was silly to be this affected by something he had been told many times before, but it just seemed different when it came from Remus.
Everything just seemed indulgent and a little juvenile, almost as if Remus was his very first crush and they were stealing a moment before their parents got him. It just made everything all the sweeter to Sirius, really soaking in the moment and letting himself enjoy it.
“So are you,” he felt compelled to say and he genuinely meant it.
Neither of them having thought to turn on the light in their shared dorm room, Remus was only just illuminated by the mix of moon- and streetlight coming in through their window and he looked absolutely stunning, making Sirius feel even more giddy.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 3:26 pm 

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Though Sirius hadn’t been slow to return the sentiment, Remus still had the pleasure of watching the compliment sink into his consciousness, finding that Sirius’ smile widened another bit; Remus’ own smile matched it, more affected by Sirius’ thrill than by the notion that Sirius found him handsome.
Sirius hadn’t reached for him after undoing his bun, leaving them barely touching besides the points where Remus’ hips barely leaned against Sirius’ thighs. It made it all - tone and pacing - seem almost conversational, although perhaps it was, when Sirius hadn’t asked more of him.
He had asked for one thing, though, and there was nothing Remus wanted more than to oblige him.
Bracing his weight with his hands on Sirius’ knees, Remus leaned forward, catching Sirius’ lips in a grinned kiss, gentle and juvenile in the way that he hadn’t reached for him.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2022 1:11 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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As Sirius returned the kiss, hands moving to grab a hold of Remus’ upper arms, just wanting to have something to help him feel properly grounded in reality, he realised how stupid he had been to think that he would be fine going for the rest of his time without kissing Remus.
He would have never been pushy about it or do anything to make things weird between the two of them, but now that he had actually gotten to kiss Remus, it seemed unbelievable that Sirius would ever be able to exist in a reality where he wouldn’t be allowed to do so.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2022 1:52 pm 

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_______

They had parted for bed without much fuzz. Sirius had early made Remus aware of the fact that he didn’t want them to sleep together, and so, Remus hadn’t pushed when the kiss eventually had to give way to rest.
They hadn’t said much about it the following morning, and once again, Remus hadn’t pushed. Sirius slipped away to the library, and in the interest of giving him space, Remus had stayed behind. It had only been moderately distracting, having to do his work on the table where Sirius only hours before had been sat on.
Though that memory would not soon wane, Remus had eventually gotten over himself, and by the early afternoon, he was deep in his work.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2022 2:44 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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While Sirius definitely had gotten better over the years, he still couldn’t entirely shake the shame that came over him in waves whenever he had been with a man. Even if it had been fairly innocent, nothing more than simple snogging, Sirius had still felt the need to remove himself from Remus and their dorm room, relieved when Remus hadn’t asked to join him in the library.
Now though, Sirius had gotten to spend some time thinking about the night before, and in the end came to the conclusion that he might actually want to sleep with Remus.
He wasn’t even sure if that was still something Remus wanted, or if their impromptu snogging session had simply been a spur of the moment kind of deal, but he felt that he, at the very least, had to talk to Remus about it, needing at least some clarity about what had happened and how to move forward.
It was with that in mind that Sirius returned to their dorm room, already feeling shy and uncomfortable but also keen on preserving what friendship they had managed to build. He had almost hoped that Remus wouldn’t be in by the time he got to their dorm, but of course Remus was there, seated at his desk, when Sirius softly closed the door behind him.
“Hey,” he said with a soft voice, dropping his book bag by the door, such that he could take off his shoes and jacket as well.
“Do you have time?”

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2022 3:15 pm 

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Remus didn’t turn when the door opened, having come to expect the coming and going of a dorm mate; he did, however, hum when spoken to, a vague acknowledgement that he was paying attention.
“Yeah,” he said, though his eyes remained on the paper before him, continuing the sentence he had started on.
Even if they had gone on break for Christmas, Remus had spent the day actually working on a draft, rather than another endless stream of equations and calculations, encouraged by Mulligan’s suggestion to seek out an internship.
Fearing that Sirius would not go on unless prompted, Remus glanced in his direction, not wanting to give the other the impression that he was intruding.
“What’s up?” he asked, eyes already back on his work.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2022 3:31 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Sirius hadn’t really known what to expect from this, but now he felt even more awkward, suddenly facing the reality that he was going to have this conversation with Remus. He wanted to have the conversation, but it still felt very daring and Sirius was desperately trying to gather enough courage to actually start the conversation.
“I just wanted to talk,” he started as he managed to hang his jacket on a hook and turned his full attention to Remus, finding him so painfully handsome that his heart ached. It was pitiful, that much Sirius already knew, but he wanted Remus in a different way than what he was used to and he wanted to get to explore that.
“About yesterday,” he added, heat already flowing to his cheeks, unsure how he was ever going to be able to have a full conversation about this but he wanted to try.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2022 3:50 pm 

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Of many possible things they could talk about, this wasn’t one Remus had expected. It was almost violent the way it caught Remus’ attention, forcing his mind to a halt.
Once again looking over his shoulder at Sirius with an unsteady gaze, Remus’ eyes skimmed across Sirius’ expression, trying to get a read of the conversation that lay ahead. While Remus might have expected a look of regret, Sirius simply stood in front of him flushed and - well, nervous. It made something within Remus flip, and he realized the feeling he felt was anticipation.
Straightening his posture, Remus swiveled on his chair, turning as far away from his desk as the narrow angle allowed him.
“Yeah?” he prompted, finding himself unable to stop a smile from pulling at the corners of his mouth as he spoke, a little too interested in what Sirius might have to say to really be able to contain it.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2022 4:02 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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When Remus smiled at him, Sirius found himself smiling as well, some of his nerves slightly alleviated by the sense of normalcy there was in the smile.
“Yeah,” he parroted, unsure exactly how he was going to start his conversation, but at least Remus was acting normal around him and that caused some of his nerves to ease up. That didn’t stop his hands from tugging at his sleeve, needing something to keep himself calm.
“I guess I just wanted to explain myself,” he stated, knowing that Remus likely wasn’t expecting him to explain anything, but Sirius definitely felt the need to tell Remus that he hadn’t been the problem, rather the people that Sirius had been with in the past.
“I just haven’t had the best experiences in the past with…” he trailed off, wanting to be able to say the word but his cheeks were heating up while his throat knotted up as well, feeling embarrassed by even having to talk about it, but he wanted it to be out in the open, feeling that Remus deserved it.
“You know,” he ended up adding, glancing up at Remus while trying not to die from embarrassment.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2022 4:59 am 

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If asked, Remus would have probably ventured as far as to say Sirius was an easy read, his emotions quick to bubble to the surface. This took him entirely by surprise, however. Thrown by the way Sirius’ cheerful smile contrasted to the bleakness of his words, Remus’ smile wavered, suddenly forced to look at his own actions the night before in a different light.
“Right,” he replied with hesitant softness, not wanting Sirius’ admission to hang in the space between them unaddressed. Sirius hadn’t said anything, and yet he had said plenty enough to leave Remus a little on edge, mind quick to fill in the blanks.
Having to make a conscious decision not to overreach, Remus did what he could to remain level headed as he continued, although he, too, struggled to find the words. “Did someone -?”


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2022 3:37 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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The way Remus suddenly fell quiet made Sirius fear that he had something wrong, fearing that his lack of experience was suddenly going to seem like a much bigger deal to Remus than he had previously thought; or maybe that Remus hadn’t even realised just how inexperienced he was.
It was only when Remus followed up his statement with a question, asking so sensitively and with clear care for Sirius’ well being, that Sirius realised exactly what he had been saying and how it had probably sounded.
“Oh no,” he was quick to assure, feeling embarrassed once again, finding that the blush just never seemed to ever leave his cheeks, no matter how much he wanted to be able to talk about this properly.
“It’s just… it was never good, you know?” He stated, unsure how much clearer he would be able to make himself without passing from embarrassment, feeling convinced that this was the closest he had ever actually come to talk about his previous sexual encounters. “Nothing bad, but just not ever really good.”

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2022 4:19 pm 

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Remus didn’t realize he had tensed up until he suddenly wasn’t, Sirius’ dismissal quick to untie an anxious knot that had formed in the pit of his stomach.
“Right,” he repeated; this time around, his voice carried a relieved little laugh as a sheepish smile pulled at his lips. Having expected the worst, made the fact that Sirius was speaking of nothing more than a bad lay feel a little humorous in contrast. It certainly felt easier to live with.
Perhaps foolishly expecting Sirius to have said his piece, Remus’ restless energy displaced itself into motion, drawing his chair closer to the table once more.
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, too,” Remus offered his condolences with the ease of someone who did it for a living.
The grin he sent Sirius, however, was nothing short of familiar, an invitation that stretched beyond being professionally courteous. “If you ever feel like giving it another go, let me know, yeah?”


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