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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:09 am 

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When Sirius pulled away, Remus barely loosened his grip around the other. His left hand remained tightly gripped around Sirius' jacket, while his right abandoned Sirius' neck, in favor for the crook of his neck. Out of breath and with blown pupils, the sudden light emitted by the Moody's non-corporeal Patronus in the dark side street seemed almost painfully bright.
The glowing cloud of smoke also served to cast enough light onto their actions, finally making Remus untangle himself from Sirius. Though his movements were made harsh by the sudden feeling of urgency, Remus moved with reluctance as he completely stepped away from Sirius, not looking at Sirius as he did.
Remus cheeks were still flushed when he moved to step towards he Patronus, yet halting mid-movement as the smoke instead moved towards Sirius.
"Area has been cleared. Two detained at Piccadilly. Consider your assignments terminated," Moody's voice spoke, matter of factly. "Return to your homes and await further instructions. Merry Christmas."
Remus was barely able to hear the order, as his mind was racing around a million things. Once the street once again felt silent, Remus parted his lips to speak, but was forced to swallow them, as the Patronus moved another few feet to the side, placing itself in front of Remus.
Suddenly hit with a deafening feeling of embarrassment, Remus was forced to face the fact that Moody expected the two of them to still be apart from each other. Filled with regret of having disobeyed direct orders because he couldn't seem to stay away from Sirius, Remus prepared himself to sit through another repeated message.
"Lupin, report at meeting point November for briefing." At that, the Patronus dissappeared.
Startled, Remus clenched his teeth, trying to force his heartbeat back to a normal pace. Still avoiding Sirius eyes, Remus glanced away, turning to look for the abandoned, still-lit cigarette he tossed. "I have to go."


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 3:16 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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No longer holding Remus in his arms felt like Sirius just had lost something very important in his life. He knew that there was a very real risk that that was all it would take to ruin 10 years of friendship, just one kiss, yet he couldn’t find it in himself to fully regret it. All that he did regret was that he didn’t get to kiss Remus for longer than he had.
He had barely even noticed what Moody’s patronus had said, only vaguely something about christmas, having been too busy caught up in his own head. It was only when Remus said that he had to go that Sirius fully woke up again.
He felt like he had to do some damage control before Remus left, but he had absolutely no idea of how to go about that.
“Right,” he stated, trying hard to control his urge to reach out and pull Remus close to him again. He didn’t care what Moody wanted Remus for, he just knew that he needed to have Remus close to him and he needed it badly.
Yet, his hands remained dormant along his sides, not wanting to mess up even more up than he already had. It seemed completely impossible to see a way out of this that wouldn’t end with a ruined friendship and the mere idea of losing Remus like that left a knot in Sirius’ stomach.
“Happy Christmas.”

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 7:07 pm 

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As the street once again fell into darkness, it didn't tale Remus much effort to find the last remaining embers of his cigarette. Suddenly feeling every single ounce of pain in his being, he stomped on the bud, unnecessarily hard for a light that would have gone out by itself in the winter chill.
No longer having that distraction to keep him occupied, Remus reluctantly moved his eyes off the ground and up to Sirius. The sight made Remus' stomach turn, but he couldn't decide whether or not it was caused by regret or by the heartbreak in Sirius' eyes. If Remus allowed himself to look close enough, he felt like he could almost see regret mirrored in Sirius' eyes.
Wanting to touch the other but finding himself unable to, Remus just nodded and glanced away. "Yeah, merry Christmas, Pads."
Remus paused, though he didn't know what he was waiting for. Something in his throat balled up, only feeling reassured by what he thought he saw in Sirius' eyes, when Sirius didn't reach out for him, either.
"I'll see you," he just said before apparating with a crack.

______________

On the evening od the moon, Remus was in pain. Most of the discomfort came from the hammering head ache, amplified by each beat of his heart; the physical pain, however, came from his burning joints. Despite wanting nothing else than to allow himself to collapse on the cool concrete floors of the underground bunker, Remus was still on his feet packing.
The ache having turned into a roaring fever, Remus had stripped himself of his pajama shirt, packing only in bottoms and his cotton undershirt. Unable to think straight, he blindly threw clothes from his drawers onto the bed, easily missing the bag on it.
When he heard the knock on the front door, Remus' didn't even consider that it could be anybody but Sirius. Reaching for his wand, he moved to the landing of his stairs, casting a poor excuse for an alohomora while balancing himself with a tight grip of the bannister.
When he heard the front door unlock, he offered a "I'm upstairs," before returning to his bedroom.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:59 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Ever since their patrolling, Sirius had been worried that he had messed up their friendship for good, something that had left him with an uncomfortable knot in his stomach. Hearing the lock click to Remus’ flat combined with hearing Remus yell from upstairs filled Sirius with a sense of relief, knowing that it at least meant that Remus didn’t completely loathe him.
He kicked off his shoes and loosened his scarf, but kept on both scarf and jacket, not sure how long he was going to be allowed to stay. He started upstairs, bracing himself for the conversation he was about to have.
Nothing could have prepared him for the sight of Remus shirtless.
He knew that his best friend tended to heat up close to the moon, getting feverish an sickly, yet with what had passed between it was almost too much for Sirius to handle.
“Hullo.”

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 3:22 pm 

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Remus had spent the last days on a haze. He had spent close to a full day at an Order safe house receiving a painfully detailed briefing of a mission Moody wanted him to partake in but, evidently, hadn't trusted him to know about until the last possible second. Between the growing pain and the life saving information Moody had been trying to cram into him, the emotional turmoil Remus had been in since kissing Sirius had been forced to take a back seat.
Seeing Sirius, however, pushed everything aside. Remus' eyes darted up at Sirius, and for a brief moment every single of Remus' senses were overpowered by the feeling of having kissed Sirius. During that instance in time, Remus almost looked like he was starving.
The expression passed as quickly as it had come, as Remus had enough self control to look back down to the task ahead. "Hi."
Still clutching his wand, Remus cast a weak and ill-aimed packing charm. Without folding themselves, pieces of clothing stuffed themselves into his bag. The pieces he missed with the charm, he tossed towards the bag. "You're not staying?" he commented, directed towards Sirius' jacket and scarf.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 4:08 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Sirius shrugged at the question, not really sure where the two of them were standing so he hadn’t wanted to assume that he was even welcome in the first place.
“I didn’t know if you wanted to see me,” he stated, finding that it was probably better to be honest with him. He did want to discuss what was going on between the two of them, but he knew that to be a slippery slope and he wasn’t sure if their friendship would be able to survive that. Sirius would rather go with unresolved feelings than ever lose Remus as his friend.
“Where’s Moody sending you?” He asked, nodding at the suitcase. He wasn’t an idiot and he knew that Remus was a great wizard, and thus Moody liked to steal him away for missions. However, the moon was looming closer and Sirius found that it was downright irresponsible to send Remus anywhere this close to a moon.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:02 pm 

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Remus huffed at that, finding Sirius' read of the room almost insulting. There was nothing further from Remus mind than asking Sirius to leave; he was, in fact keeping his hands busy with the sole purpose of keeping them from reaching out for him.
"Don't be stupid." Somewhere in his brain his thought got expressed unnecessarily harsh. He had wanted to tell Sirius he never wanted to be apart from him again. Instead, it came out an indifferent, "take off your coat."
Sirius question made Remus chew at the inside of his cheek, surprised that that was the conversation he had chosen for them to have. Uncertain what that meant for them, Remus felt his heart sink
"Galloway," he answered, not having gotten any order more specific than the national park. "Tomorrow morning."
Remus had until then still been avoiding Sirius' eye but finding that he had run out of clothes to distract himself with, he finally looked up at Sirius. He however, found it hard to maintain eye contact with Sirius while speaking, so he turned to toss his wand in the armchair in the corner of his room. "Going to try to talk some sense into a pack of werewolves."


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:26 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Still unsure how long he was going to stay, yet taking a comfort in the fact that Remus ordered him to take off the jacket. He yanked off his scarf and slid out of his jacket, using it as an excuse to not look at Remus.
The longer Remus spoke about his newest mission, the more Sirius found himself fuming.
Moody knew when the moon was and it was absolutely bonkers to send Remus on any kind of mission that close to the moon. It was absolutely dangerous, not only for people in Galloway, but also for Remus himself. Sirius knew that there was no way that Remus would be able to live with himself if he transformed near people; muggles and wizards alike.
“Are you completely mental?” He snapped, the tension between the two of them causing Sirius to snap. Having kissed Remus once had not been enough for him and all he could think about was how it had felt and how badly he wanted to kiss Remu again. He also knew that that was not in the cards and that he should not even think of going there.
“Why in the bloody hell are you going on a mission this close to a moon? The other pack could absolutely decimate you!”

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 6:27 pm 

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By the time Remus had turned back towards Sirius, his blood was already boiling. The sheer heat of his being almost seemed to cloud his judgement and in that, Remus couldn't process Sirius' words further than to the fact that they stung. Sirius' worry came across as seeing weakness in Remus, and the mere insinuation made him snap back.
"Are you daft?" he countered, pettily. Sirius was venturing into a line of argument he knew little about and whatever assumptions Sirius made about the pack felt like they should apply to Remus, too. "Do you think they're going to be in any better shape than me?"
The words they're werewolves and so am I rung in Remus' pause. He clenched his jaw, still staring Sirius down. Moody had shared what he knew about the pack and Remus was tempted to spit it all out if only to prove a point. "You don't know what you're talking about. I know you've gotten a habit of taking pity with me, but I can assure you, by werewolf standards I'm doing stellar."
Remus regretted his words even before finishing the sentence, and, for a blink of an eye, that was evident in his expression before the pent up anger of the moon yet again replaced it.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 2:34 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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It didn’t really surprise Sirius that Remus decided to lash out at him. In fact, he had sorta counted on it, even if it wasn’t actually what he wanted from this conversation. Obviously, he had hoped that he would be able to get Remus to change his mind, but he also knew that that wasn’t really likely.
They were both far too stubborn for their own good.
“Why is it that you insist on reading me caring about you as me pitying you?” Sirius exclaimed, finding that entire thing old and tired by now. Sure, sometimes he had pitied Remus in the past, but by now he knew better than that and all of his worry came from a place of love.
“And of course they will be in bad shape too, but they will also be more than just one.” Sirius exhaled harshly, trying to get himself to calm down a little. “Why is it that you are so opposed to me being worried about you? Why can’t I care about you?”

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2019 10:58 am 

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Sirius' words seemed to have struck a nerve with Remus, making him flinch under the rawness of Sirius' voice. For a moment, the most immediate anger gave away for a genuine look of surprise, making it painfully obvious that Remus had no prepared answer to that. He just looked like he had never been confronted with the points Sirius were making.
Swallowing his pride, Remus clenched his teeth. The flexing of his jaw gave away how his mind was going a thousand miles an hour and still coming short of an appropriate answer.
Feeling flushed and overwhelmed by Sirius' questions, Remus ducked his head, looking for something that would justify not having to look at Sirius.
"You're wasting your time worrying," Remus deflected. His voice had softened considerably, now sounding more exhausted than angry. In the pit of his stomach, he very well knew why Sirius’ care and worry made Remus tense up; he barely cared or worried about himself.
Still avoiding the other's eye, Remus had been doing the clasps of his bag, but with his wand no longer within reach, Remus was unable to charm it to shrink to a manageable size, at least in his condition. With a tired look of defeat, he finally stopped fidgeting to once again look at Sirius.
"I just don't want you to get hurt over things neither of us can change," he admitted, figuring, in his sickly haze, that that was part of the truth.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 1:59 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Sirius was frustrated.
He knew that he would never love anyone like he loved Remus, yet Remus kept fighting him on the fact and it was so damn frustrating. He knew that he would keep worrying about Remus, even if there was nothing he would be able to do about it, yet he still knew that he would do anything that he could to help.
“If you think that your lyccantropy is going to hurt me, then you don’t know me at all,” he stated in a dry tone, not sure what else to tell him, but he really did want him to understand what Sirius felt for him and how he wanted to stay close to him.
After all, he knew what he went into when he started to become attached to Remus in this way and he doubted that Remus would be able to tell him anything that could surprise him. They had been friends for a decade by now and Sirius couldn’t imagine life without Remus.
“And if you think that I am can to stop worrying about you just because you tell me too, then you clearly don’t know me either.”

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2019 3:00 pm 

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Remus felt sicker than he had felt in months, but for once it wasn't because of the moon. Remus' anger had deflated under the harsh honesty of Sirius' words and for a moment, Remus just looked ill and ashamed.
He had once again clenched his jaw but, this time, he was trying to stop himself from blurting out another spiteful comment that would only serve to push Sirius further away. He didn't want the other to feel responsible for Remus, or feel like Sirius hadn't done everything possible to prevent what, more and more, felt like an unavoidable and early death when his body inevitably gave up. What he really wanted was to reach out for Sirius.
"I have to go," he eventually said, sounding tired. He couldn't stand Sirius continuing down the same trail, and rather than address it he deflected. There was no argument in his voice, unclear whether the defeat in his voice came from their arguments or from long hours with Moody.
Remus shifted his posture a little, feeling uncomfortable having to drag a wolf's temper out of an argument he had come to realize he wouldn't win. The tension in the room was nauseating and it was so much easier to snap back. "I don't have a say in it."


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 20, 2019 8:24 am 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Sirius had been prepared to have a longer fight about this, not willing to back down from this. However, seeing Remus deflate like that made Sirius’ heart break and he found himself losing the track of what he had wanted to say.
Instead, he reached out for Remus, but found himself unsure of where he would be allowed to touch him, so he allowed his hand to fall again.
“Moony, I-“ he started but cut himself off. He had no idea what he could possibly say about this, but he knew that he didn’t want him to go. Sure, it was war and he knew that there were many things that they couldn’t just do, yet this seemed beyond excessive and Sirius could absolutely strangle Moody for making Remus go through this.
“I know.”

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 22, 2019 3:21 pm 

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Though Remus hadn't been looking at Sirius, he did see how Sirius raised his hand and how he, subsequently let it fall. Remus wanted to scream with pent up anticipation for Sirius to grow up and reach for him, but that felt too bold. His ears did, however heat up in a blush.
"I would still have gone, though," he added. His voice hadn't changed much, though he sounded decided, and he needed Sirius to know. Finally, Remus glanced up at Sirius, though his eyes were directed towards the other so briefly that Remus barely saw Sirius. "If he had asked me."
With a soft huff, Remus circled the bed and reached for the duffel bag, effectively leaving Sirius behind. Without closing it nor charming it, he pulled it off the bed. He could feel his spine start to itch and he knew it wouldn't be long before they had to start taking their precautions for the evening. Remus was still not looking at Sirius when he spoke, his eyes instead on the bag as he allowed it to slump into the armchair by his wand. His voice was still soft and brimming with emotions. "But I'm sorry you weren't involved - I didn't think you'd object."


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2019 1:34 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Even if it wasn’t a new thing, Sirius doubted that he would ever get used to hearing that specific brand of exhaustion in Remus’ voice. It broke his heart every single month and he wanted to keep him sheltered from everything that was bothering him, even if he knew that he couldn’t do that.
What the hell even was the point of having magic if you couldn’t use it to protect the ones that you love?
“I just desperately wish that you would take care of yourself,” Sirius stated, not sure how else he would be able to get his feelings across. He loved Remus so terribly much and he felt at a completely and utter loss of what to do about it all.
“I know that you don’t consider yourself much, Moony, but I cannot do any of this without my best friend, so please take care.”

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 03, 2019 7:11 am 

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Their conversation had Remus on edge, feeling how they were beginning to circle a conversation Remus felt completely unprepared to have. Sirius wasn't saying anything Remus hadn't heard before, in one phrasing or another, but ever since their kiss, the same expressions of affection felt heavy with unsaid emotions. It sent Remus' head spinning.
"I know," was all Remus could muster. It was low and soft; what he really wanted to say was me neither.
His mind felt clouded with adrenaline and fever, and he found it difficult looking directly at Sirius. Instead, his eyes were staring aimlessly at the ruffled duvet where the suitcase had been only moments before. "Do I come across as if I don't?"
His voice wasn't accusing; when he once again looked at Sirius he almost looked regretful. Ever since the war had gotten a proper hold of them, every outwardly expressed emotion felt out of Remus control, almost like an out of body experience. In that moment, he looked like he genuinely needed an answer.
Though he felt silent, it was still clear that his mind was going a thousand miles an hour, going back through endless, clouded memories. "Like I don't care, I mean -"
He looked back up at Sirius. The stutter was reflected in his eyes, seeming like he had realized the fact that he had talked himself into a corner. That further served to soften his voice. He shifted his stance, uncertaintly and out on deep waters. "You said I didn't let you love me."


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2019 2:20 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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“And you don’t,” Sirius responded, barely even having to think about it. He had been in love with Remus for as long as he could remember, yet all displays of deeper affection seemed to be brushed off as if Sirius was merely kidding. Ever since their kiss, Sirius had gotten increasingly desperate to make Remus see what he meant to him, but it was difficult to express exactly what that was.
“You seem like you don’t care and you don’t let me love you,” he elaborated, figuring that if he ever wanted to come clean with Remus, now was the time for him. After all, he wasn’t sure how Remus would fare on this mission and he wanted him to know the truth.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:13 pm 

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Sirius' words hit Remus like a slap in the face, the readiness of the response being truly disarming. Sirius seemed like he had so much more to say, and Remus couldn't even form a sentence, leaving his lips slightly parted in either surprise or heartbreak.
When Remus finally came to, he slowly clenched his jaw, biting down on the inside of his cheek. Everything hurt, from his joints to the fever sending making his brain go haywire; but now, his heart as well. Remus could cry, feeling like this had gotten so far out of his control. Regret welled up from within him, making his voice crack when he finally spoke. "Please don't say that."
He took a shaky breath, needing to steady his voice, but to little avail. There was a helplessness to his voice. If he had spoken and acted so far from his intentions all this time, Remus had little faith in himself that he'd now be able to frase things clearly. "Don't say it like that, because it's not true. Sirius, I care so much about you."


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 07, 2019 11:30 pm 

This body is a vessel for my mayhem and as long as I can perform bafoonery it doesn’t matter if this stomach is flat or not

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Seeing Remus in so much pain, both physically but also as a result of Sirius’ words, really broke Sirius’ heart. He wanted to go hold Remus close and never allow him to get away from him again and, once again, he found that he did not want to suppress the urge.
He moved in close to his best friend, hands finding either side of Remus’ face, holding him tenderly, as if he was afraid to hurt him more.
“I know,” he said in a soft voice, running one and softly through Remus’ hair, wanting to do anything in his power to make him better. “But please Remus, I love you so much.”

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